Jul 4, 2013

WELCOME TO EARF

In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. "Mankind." That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it's fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom... Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution... but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: "We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive!" Today we celebrate our Independence Day!




Haha.

But seriously, read more about the 1952 Washington D.C. UFO incident

Jul 3, 2013

ONE GOT FAT


Your typical cheesy-bad 1960s educational video...except it stars mutant monkey kids who die one by one...

Jul 1, 2013

SHITTY FLICKS: BULLETPROOF

Shitty Flicks is an ongoing column that celebrates the most hilariously incompetent, amusingly pedestrian, and mind-bogglingly stupid movies ever made by people with a bit of money, some prior porn-directing experience, and no clue whatsoever. It is here you will find unrestrained joy in movies meant to terrify and thrill, but instead poke at your funny bone with their weird, mutant, camp-girl penis. 

WARNING: I tend to give away major plot points and twist endings in my reviews because, whatever. Shut up.

If you can believe it - if you go back far enough - Gary Busey was not always completely out of his mind. And if you go back farther than that, you'll find something surprising: Gary Busey actually played the good guy from time to time!

And in Bullet Proof, he plays McBain. (You read that right - McBain.) He's a cop, and because this was post-Lethal Weapon, his partner is an old, curmudgeonly black guy.

"Look McBain, you may be bullet proof, but I'm just human, all right?" his partner whines, giving us the obligatory titular line as well as some character development for McBain: Apparently he can't die. And he gleefully runs into dangerous situations with no back-up, and nothing but his awesome catch phrases.

"I'm your worst nightmare, butt horn!" he bellows with a wide smile and jumps into action, shooting men left, right, up, down, in their heads, in their backs, etc. When you throw him a grenade, he throws it back and ends your fucking life. Then he goes home to his hot, naked, European girlfriend, digs out the bullet he caught in his chest earlier in the night, and takes a nice swig from the bottle of booze he hides above his vanity mirror. Oh, and he somehow plays the alto saxophone without ever filling his cheeks with air. 

McBAIN!

But despite his theatrics and over-the-top methods, he's not the only thing causing strife to "the Man" and organized society. It would seem, not too far off, there exists a group of militants. They use the monkey bars, run in circles, and drive around together hanging off jeeps and pick-up trucks in dangerous numbers. They are terrorists. Well, the late-'80s version of terrorists, meaning they are a bunch of miscellaneous races, including Mexicans, Libyans, and "A-Rabs." They wear tight pants, smile, act incredibly fey, and shoot SMGs into 'Merica's few and proud. (They're the bad guys!!!!) After one particular trading of bullets with some American soldiers, many are killed, but the surviving soldiers are taken hostage to endure generic political rhetoric from men in berets.

Obviously, the terrorists' days are numbered, what with McBain existing and all. Bullets will fly, and enter bodies without prejudice.

McBAIN!

Following a brief dream in which we catch up on some unfortunate history - mainly McBain accidentally shooting his previous partner during a drug bust gone bad - government officials show up on his front steps and blackmail him onto the case of the miscellaneous terrorists. They ship him off to a warehouse, where they show him schematics for some kind of U.S. Army Official Bad-Ass Tank that the terrorists possess for some reason, yet can't operate because they don't have the required access codes. This meeting ends in a manner typical to most meetings with McBain: an ashtray ends up sailing into another man's testicles.

The mission begins. McBain touches down on the ground, looks lost for a moment, and takes the life of two foot soldiers with little effort. He offers their corpses a wave and an adios as he steals their jeep and moves onto the next kill point.

And then rape happens. (Not by McBain, but I wouldn't have ruled it out immediately, personally.)

After some further pushing through the forest/desert/wherever he is, and finding himself accompanied by a group of Mexicans (good ones!), McBain opens fire on another group of soldiers, telling them "Hunting season's over...butt horn."

McBain eventually gets himself caught and the soldiers tie him to a huge wire spindle to prep him for execution. Luckily, a rather resourceful female soldier, with whom McBain had once been intimate, has the idea to drop a grenade right near him and send him rolling rather hilariously down the hilly landscape. Watch in awe as the Gary Busey dummy screams "God damn it!" all the way down.

"God damn it!"

He frees himself and tears off into the desert, killing more men and saying more things in their language to add spite to their deaths. He soon reconvenes with his squeeze/soldier, who was freed for some reason, and the two take back the Bad-Ass Tank. But McBain, never one to disappear quietly into the night, drives that tank right back to the bad guys' hideout. Needless to say, all kinds of miscellaneous races are blown out of their shoes.

"Where is that idiot general?" he asks, mindlessly pushing the same button behind him over and over, as if to say, "This looks like I'm doing something, right?"

Well, McBain finds that idiot general, all right, and he leaves him where he found him - in PIECES.

McBAIN!

Total references to McBain being bulletproof:
  1. "Look McBain, you may be bullet proof, but I'm just human, all right?"
  2. "You may be bulletproof, but you're not love proof."
  3. "This tank is made of titanium alloy. It's bulletproof...like you."
  4. "I'd be privileged to call you 'Bulletproof Capitán McBain.' "
  5. "There is a man coming this way! He has a strange name! They call him ‘Bulletproof’ Capitán McBain!"
  6. "Now let's just see how...bulletproof...your friend can be."
  7. "So...this is the infamous Captain Bulletproof?" ("You got it, butt horn!")
  8. "Now let's see how bulletproof you are!"
  9. "Why do they call him bulletproof?"
  10. "This whole 'bulletproof' thing is getting old!"

Jun 29, 2013

MY BEHAVIOR CAN BE...ERRATIC

"My name is Patrick Bateman. I'm 27 years old. I believe in taking care of myself, and a balanced diet and rigorous exercise routine. In the morning, if my face is a little puffy, I'll put on an ice pack while doing stomach crunches. I can do a thousand now. After I remove the ice pack, I use a deep pore cleanser lotion. In the shower, I use a water activated gel cleanser, then a honey-almond body scrub; and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub. Then I apply an herb-mint facial mask, which I leave on for ten minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I always use an after-shave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm, followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion..."
If we don't, remember me.