Jul 7, 2013
Jul 5, 2013
REVIEW: THE TERRIBLE TALE OF EDGAR SWITCHBLADE
If you catch up on my earlier post here, you’ll gain a little background on the idiosyncrasy of Lonesome Wyatt (of L.W. & the Holy Spooks as well as Those Poor Bastards). If I had to describe him to someone curious but unaware, I'd perhaps compare him to Rob Zombie, only I'd clarify he's a little more subtle, soulful, and genuine. This comparison isn’t just based on the oogy-boogy style that pervades their music, but also on their legitimate appreciation of the genre we all hold so dear in our little black hearts.
After having devoured all of Lonesome Wyatt’s albums, I’m not surprised at all that he can write the hell out of one wicked little novel. The Terrible Tale of Edgar Switch Blade, a tale of a knife-wielding, cloven-hoofed, cannibalistic miscreant who tears through the night striking down “werewolves, ghosts, and other strange creatures,” works as a companion piece to the album Behold the Abyss by Those Poor Bastards; themes introduced in the book are explored lyrically in the album.
Terrible Tale is told in the first person by our titular anti-hero. He does, indeed, tear across the landscape with his only companion in the world—a horse named Red—keeping an eye out for threats of the supernatural. During his misadventures, diary entries from a Ulysses S. Levitcus, his adoptive father of sorts, provide some background on Edgar’s rearing, and proves to be perhaps the most interesting part of the novel.
The story moves at a rapid race and doesn’t get lost in masturbatory details. It’s a simple story and simply told, but not without flair. Wyatt pulls no punches with what he’s willing to have his creation do—like eat his departed foster mother, for example—and I suppose it’s this kind of content that forgives the brevity of the novel itself. It's short to be sure—150 pages—but the story is never not engaging or entertaining. Besides, sometimes such subject matter works better in smaller doses.
Wyatt’s style reminds me a lot of Donald Ray Pollock (The Devil All the Time), in that what he is willing to write about is unflinching and unquestionably horrific. Pollock at times dares you to read him, whereas Wyatt knows his fan base quite well and he’s confident he is delivering just what they have come to expect from him. To be blunt, Terrible Tale is fucked up, but in a fun, EC-Comics-turned-up-to-eleven kind of way.
The design of this little novel is killer; great paints were taken to make it look like a pulpy dime-store novel you would have found in a pharmacy in the 1950s…perhaps on the highest shelf away from children’s hands. The cover, while not graphic, is certainly questionable in its depiction of Edgar threatening a prostitute with his knife as she lays sprawled across a forest ground. The cover itself looks bent and tattered, enforcing its so-called age; the edges of the pages are even colored red. It’s a remarkable little creation.
After having devoured all of Lonesome Wyatt’s albums, I’m not surprised at all that he can write the hell out of one wicked little novel. The Terrible Tale of Edgar Switch Blade, a tale of a knife-wielding, cloven-hoofed, cannibalistic miscreant who tears through the night striking down “werewolves, ghosts, and other strange creatures,” works as a companion piece to the album Behold the Abyss by Those Poor Bastards; themes introduced in the book are explored lyrically in the album.
Terrible Tale is told in the first person by our titular anti-hero. He does, indeed, tear across the landscape with his only companion in the world—a horse named Red—keeping an eye out for threats of the supernatural. During his misadventures, diary entries from a Ulysses S. Levitcus, his adoptive father of sorts, provide some background on Edgar’s rearing, and proves to be perhaps the most interesting part of the novel.
The story moves at a rapid race and doesn’t get lost in masturbatory details. It’s a simple story and simply told, but not without flair. Wyatt pulls no punches with what he’s willing to have his creation do—like eat his departed foster mother, for example—and I suppose it’s this kind of content that forgives the brevity of the novel itself. It's short to be sure—150 pages—but the story is never not engaging or entertaining. Besides, sometimes such subject matter works better in smaller doses.
Wyatt’s style reminds me a lot of Donald Ray Pollock (The Devil All the Time), in that what he is willing to write about is unflinching and unquestionably horrific. Pollock at times dares you to read him, whereas Wyatt knows his fan base quite well and he’s confident he is delivering just what they have come to expect from him. To be blunt, Terrible Tale is fucked up, but in a fun, EC-Comics-turned-up-to-eleven kind of way.
The design of this little novel is killer; great paints were taken to make it look like a pulpy dime-store novel you would have found in a pharmacy in the 1950s…perhaps on the highest shelf away from children’s hands. The cover, while not graphic, is certainly questionable in its depiction of Edgar threatening a prostitute with his knife as she lays sprawled across a forest ground. The cover itself looks bent and tattered, enforcing its so-called age; the edges of the pages are even colored red. It’s a remarkable little creation.
I hope Terrible Tale’s association with its companion album Behold the Abyss doesn’t prevent the possibility of Wyatt writing more novels in the future—either featuring Edgar Switchblade, or a new morbid creation. If he can tie it into a past or future album, great, but here's hoping he can go hog wild with a new story, even if it's not related to his music.
The Terrible Tale of Edgar Switchblade is available in multiple formats, and you can find them all on the Those Poor Bastards site.
Jul 4, 2013
WELCOME TO EARF
In less than an hour, aircraft from here will join others from around the world. And you will be launching the largest aerial battle in the history of mankind. "Mankind." That word should have new meaning for all of us today. We can't be consumed by our petty differences anymore. We will be united in our common interests. Perhaps it's fate that today is the Fourth of July, and you will once again be fighting for our freedom... Not from tyranny, oppression, or persecution... but from annihilation. We are fighting for our right to live. To exist. And should we win the day, the Fourth of July will no longer be known as an American holiday, but as the day the world declared in one voice: "We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight! We're going to live on! We're going to survive!" Today we celebrate our Independence Day!
Jul 3, 2013
ONE GOT FAT
Your typical cheesy-bad 1960s educational video...except it stars mutant monkey kids who die one by one...
Jul 2, 2013
Jul 1, 2013
SHITTY FLICKS: BULLETPROOF
Shitty Flicks is an ongoing column that celebrates the most hilariously incompetent, amusingly pedestrian, and mind-bogglingly stupid movies ever made by people with a bit of money, some prior porn-directing experience, and no clue whatsoever. It is here you will find unrestrained joy in movies meant to terrify and thrill, but instead poke at your funny bone with their weird, mutant, camp-girl penis.
WARNING: I tend to give away major plot points and twist endings in my reviews because, whatever. Shut up.
If you can believe it - if you go back far enough - Gary Busey was not always completely out of his mind. And if you go back farther than that, you'll find something surprising: Gary Busey actually played the good guy from time to time!
And in Bullet Proof, he plays McBain. (You read that right - McBain.) He's a cop, and because this was post-Lethal Weapon, his partner is an old, curmudgeonly black guy.
"Look McBain, you may be bullet proof, but I'm just human, all right?" his partner whines, giving us the obligatory titular line as well as some character development for McBain: Apparently he can't die. And he gleefully runs into dangerous situations with no back-up, and nothing but his awesome catch phrases.
"I'm your worst nightmare, butt horn!" he bellows with a wide smile and jumps into action, shooting men left, right, up, down, in their heads, in their backs, etc. When you throw him a grenade, he throws it back and ends your fucking life. Then he goes home to his hot, naked, European girlfriend, digs out the bullet he caught in his chest earlier in the night, and takes a nice swig from the bottle of booze he hides above his vanity mirror. Oh, and he somehow plays the alto saxophone without ever filling his cheeks with air.
McBAIN!
But despite his theatrics and over-the-top methods, he's not the only thing causing strife to "the Man" and organized society. It would seem, not too far off, there exists a group of militants. They use the monkey bars, run in circles, and drive around together hanging off jeeps and pick-up trucks in dangerous numbers. They are terrorists. Well, the late-'80s version of terrorists, meaning they are a bunch of miscellaneous races, including Mexicans, Libyans, and "A-Rabs." They wear tight pants, smile, act incredibly fey, and shoot SMGs into 'Merica's few and proud. (They're the bad guys!!!!) After one particular trading of bullets with some American soldiers, many are killed, but the surviving soldiers are taken hostage to endure generic political rhetoric from men in berets.
Obviously, the terrorists' days are numbered, what with McBain existing and all. Bullets will fly, and enter bodies without prejudice.
McBAIN!
Following a brief dream in which we catch up on some unfortunate history - mainly McBain accidentally shooting his previous partner during a drug bust gone bad - government officials show up on his front steps and blackmail him onto the case of the miscellaneous terrorists. They ship him off to a warehouse, where they show him schematics for some kind of U.S. Army Official Bad-Ass Tank that the terrorists possess for some reason, yet can't operate because they don't have the required access codes. This meeting ends in a manner typical to most meetings with McBain: an ashtray ends up sailing into another man's testicles.
The mission begins. McBain touches down on the ground, looks lost for a moment, and takes the life of two foot soldiers with little effort. He offers their corpses a wave and an adios as he steals their jeep and moves onto the next kill point.
And then rape happens. (Not by McBain, but I wouldn't have ruled it out immediately, personally.)
After some further pushing through the forest/desert/wherever he is, and finding himself accompanied by a group of Mexicans (good ones!), McBain opens fire on another group of soldiers, telling them "Hunting season's over...butt horn."
McBain eventually gets himself caught and the soldiers tie him to a huge wire spindle to prep him for execution. Luckily, a rather resourceful female soldier, with whom McBain had once been intimate, has the idea to drop a grenade right near him and send him rolling rather hilariously down the hilly landscape. Watch in awe as the Gary Busey dummy screams "God damn it!" all the way down.
He frees himself and tears off into the desert, killing more men and saying more things in their language to add spite to their deaths. He soon reconvenes with his squeeze/soldier, who was freed for some reason, and the two take back the Bad-Ass Tank. But McBain, never one to disappear quietly into the night, drives that tank right back to the bad guys' hideout. Needless to say, all kinds of miscellaneous races are blown out of their shoes.
"Where is that idiot general?" he asks, mindlessly pushing the same button behind him over and over, as if to say, "This looks like I'm doing something, right?"
Well, McBain finds that idiot general, all right, and he leaves him where he found him - in PIECES.
McBAIN!
Total references to McBain being bulletproof:
Obviously, the terrorists' days are numbered, what with McBain existing and all. Bullets will fly, and enter bodies without prejudice.
McBAIN!
Following a brief dream in which we catch up on some unfortunate history - mainly McBain accidentally shooting his previous partner during a drug bust gone bad - government officials show up on his front steps and blackmail him onto the case of the miscellaneous terrorists. They ship him off to a warehouse, where they show him schematics for some kind of U.S. Army Official Bad-Ass Tank that the terrorists possess for some reason, yet can't operate because they don't have the required access codes. This meeting ends in a manner typical to most meetings with McBain: an ashtray ends up sailing into another man's testicles.
The mission begins. McBain touches down on the ground, looks lost for a moment, and takes the life of two foot soldiers with little effort. He offers their corpses a wave and an adios as he steals their jeep and moves onto the next kill point.
And then rape happens. (Not by McBain, but I wouldn't have ruled it out immediately, personally.)
After some further pushing through the forest/desert/wherever he is, and finding himself accompanied by a group of Mexicans (good ones!), McBain opens fire on another group of soldiers, telling them "Hunting season's over...butt horn."
McBain eventually gets himself caught and the soldiers tie him to a huge wire spindle to prep him for execution. Luckily, a rather resourceful female soldier, with whom McBain had once been intimate, has the idea to drop a grenade right near him and send him rolling rather hilariously down the hilly landscape. Watch in awe as the Gary Busey dummy screams "God damn it!" all the way down.
 |
| "God damn it!" |
He frees himself and tears off into the desert, killing more men and saying more things in their language to add spite to their deaths. He soon reconvenes with his squeeze/soldier, who was freed for some reason, and the two take back the Bad-Ass Tank. But McBain, never one to disappear quietly into the night, drives that tank right back to the bad guys' hideout. Needless to say, all kinds of miscellaneous races are blown out of their shoes.
"Where is that idiot general?" he asks, mindlessly pushing the same button behind him over and over, as if to say, "This looks like I'm doing something, right?"
Well, McBain finds that idiot general, all right, and he leaves him where he found him - in PIECES.
McBAIN!
Total references to McBain being bulletproof:
- "Look McBain, you may be bullet proof, but I'm just human, all right?"
- "You may be bulletproof, but you're not love proof."
- "This tank is made of titanium alloy. It's bulletproof...like you."
- "I'd be privileged to call you 'Bulletproof Capitán McBain.' "
- "There is a man coming this way! He has a strange name! They call him ‘Bulletproof’ Capitán McBain!"
- "Now let's just see how...bulletproof...your friend can be."
- "So...this is the infamous Captain Bulletproof?" ("You got it, butt horn!")
- "Now let's see how bulletproof you are!"
- "Why do they call him bulletproof?"
- "This whole 'bulletproof' thing is getting old!"
Jun 30, 2013
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